Tomorrow at 9am is my activation appointment. I'm not exactly what you would call a morning person so hopefully I won't fall asleep during it (and yes, it is possible, I have fallen asleep during hearing tests, one-on-one meetings, tests [including the SAT] and much more, it's a problem and coffee is my friend). That's definitely the least of my worries, though I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep my worries at bay.
If any of you feel like I've been out of touch for the last week or two it's because I have been and I'm sorry but I've been slightly avoiding everybody just because the stress of tomorrow and everything else going on has been, well, stressful. I am completely in knots about tomorrow, I've been getting headaches and stomachaches for the last week and I'd be shocked if it didn't have to do with the stress. This is almost a year in the making... wow... that made my stomach drop. Almost a year ago that I heard about the Esteem and this all began and I still don't know whether it's a positive thing for my life or just a big traumatizing problem, tomorrow's the beginning of really figuring that out.
I have no idea what to expect and I think I learned the hard way this summer that things that you never imagine as possibilities can totally happen. So I feel like it's not worth my time or energy to speculate on what could happen tomorrow because the fall from optimism would be just as bad as being hit from out of nowhere, better to just shut down and let it happen and experience it than imagine all the possibilities and have to deal with things relating to that that in addition to what actually happens in terms of adjustments to the esteem actually being turned on (hopefully, who knows with my luck). So, yes, I've been detached and unsettled and avoiding everything but I'm ok with that because it's just a few more hours, most of them asleep, and then I'll know what I'm dealing with, good or bad. Meanwhile, I'm only 4 books behind (in one class!) from my little 3-day trip home, oy.
Wish me luck, and I will, of course, post as soon as possible about how it goes.
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