Phew!

After 6 months of waiting and almost 7 hours of surgery I have been successfully implanted with the Esteem!  I don't really believe it but they tell me it's in there so I guess I'll have to take their word for it.  I actually feel... good.  I feel calm in a way that I can't really explain but that feels like I felt this way once but I haven't in a long time.  I still feel like at any moment something could go wrong or that I'll be told that something happened that I'm not currently aware of but that doesn't seem to be happening.  Mostly though, like I already said, I just didn't realize that I've kind of had this cloud hanging over me for the last 6 months except for the fact that I think it's gone.  I just feel more normal than I have and I didn't realize that I didn't feel totally OK because I had a great semester, I loved my classes, had a lot of fun with my friends, but I think that there was a level of stress from the limbo that I was in that became normal and I think (I hope) it's gone.  So that's all the most important stuff I think, if you want to read a short a play by play of how yesterday went, just click "read more".



So yesterday I woke up around 5am and got dressed and ready and stuff, at 5:45 we were in the taxi and by 6 we were at the surgery center.  It was pretty nice, and there were a few other people there, according to my mom later it was mostly people getting their tonsils out and small things like that from what she heard.

Around 7 they took me into pre-op, I gave my mom a hug and a kiss and went with the nurse.  She put my IV in.  The anesthesiologist came out and introduced himself, he knew I'd had the surgery but both he and the nurse thought I was getting my second ear done, it felt strange to say "no, it didn't work last time so we're trying again".  It felt so casual and matter of fact because it was the first time, sitting in that pre-op chair, that I felt sure enough that the surgery was actually going to happen, that we were actually going to at least get to try again.  Until I was sitting there with an IV in I was sure that something would pop up that would prevent the doctor from trying.  Most recently on Friday when I had a hearing test that showed a possible drop in my hearing we were worried that it was below the threshold of what they would consider the eligibility range.  It turned out to be fine and not to have been a drop at all, but when that happened I wasn't surprised or anything, I so expected something at every turn that it was more surprising when nothing happened.

Ok, I got a bit off track, blame the vicodin :P

Anyway, sorry, maybe I shouldn't have started this right when the medicine kicked in but oh well, I'm already into it...

So, after that my surgeon came in and said hi, he's a very smiley guy so he was smiling and I think I probably had a look of dread on my face.  He smiled and said, "We're gonna get this in."  I nodded but in my head I was thinking, "sure, I know you'll try... but we'll see."  I was so nervous, practically shaking.  A bit after that they walked me into the OR and had me lie down on the table.  The anesthesiologist put something in my IV and said it would help me relax, I said that sounded good because I was nervous, and then I started to fall asleep.

The next thing I knew I was waking up but I thought that the surgery hadn't happened yet so I kind of tried to force myself to go back to sleep so they could do the surgery, little did I know that almost 7 hours had passed and the surgery was over.  I started to wake up again and was like, "no, if you wake up they can't do the surgery, you have to go to sleep," so I went back to sleep for a bit longer until I finally woke up enough to realize that it was time to wake up.

My mom was there and I asked her if they got it in and she said yes, and I asked if she was sure, and she said yes and then I asked just to be extra sure if she was positive that they were able to get the esteem in and she said yes.  So then I asked what had gone wrong, and she said "nothing."  And I just... relaxed... mostly.  At one point the nurse left and I almost had a heart attack because I thought she was leaving so that my mom could give me bad news in private, but she was just going to help another patient.

Eventually I was able to stand (it was a lot of anesthesia, it took a while before I could stand up and stuff) and we came back to the hotel where I basically slept through Monday.  My bandage is a lot smaller than last time and my jaw doesn't really hurt this time which is nice, though I'm still sticking to soup because my head hurts.  They said they were taking out that nerve connected to my tongue but I can still feel my tongue so I'm not sure if they did.  I'm meeting with the doctor in a little bit so if I find out anything interesting about the surgery I'll update later.  

I think that's it for now though :)